What Ever Happened???

Life is not about being strong, lucky, or happy. It's about doing the right thing
and making the right choices. When you look in a mirror there are two faces looking
back. The man and the child. The child will always be there, but it should know its
place and remain firmly in the shadow. The man will always be in focus unless of
course the man chooses that the child will look back. What does this mean? Well 
it states the obvious that the child is always within us. 

The child willconsume all without giving back. The child will think only of its 
self and take credit for good and excuse the bad. The child will always take first 
and give nothing back. It forgets that it is not really the centre of the universe
just the star in his father's eye! Sometimes the star that shines so brightly can 
fade into the blackness of the night sky. The man can step forward and take control, 
he can reenergise the light and become what he has always been the star in his 
fathers eye.

The choice is yours

Yesterdays HIV Checkup

So yesterday I went for my 6 monthly HIV test results (NEGATIVE)

But sitting in the waiting area got me thinking and giggling at how strange people actually are.

I am sitting in the middle armchair, I have a skinny dirty looking guy to my right and a overweight girl to my left.

The noise of Grindr is blasting away from the guy on my right, who clearly is not taking this checkup seriously and is more interested to find his next shag (I hope its somebody dirty also) as the guy stinks to hell of BO.

The Girl to my left got called up for her checkup, she spots a 5p coin on the floor as she walks with the doctor, after 15 minutes she returns to pick up the 5p coin, puts it in her purse and excites the building (CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP)

I am called up next, as I walk with the doctor, an older gentleman comments how nice my bum is………. I roll my eyes.

Gotta love having a sexual health checkup done…

Never a boring day in my life!

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo

Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo

Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo

So this week my friend took me to a Buddhist meeting.

At first I was very skeptical as I thought it would be a bunch of brainwashed people who have falling into another religious cult, but  seeing as in life I feel very lost, I thought it might help me to relax/find myself or at-least relax for an hour or two.

The meeting started with the Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo followed by a number of different readings. It was nice to see people passionate about what they believed it.

After chanting the discussion was about how Buddhism has changed our lives.

I decided to be honest and tell them that It was my first time their, and right now I am lost and finding the light again in my life….. I had a couple of people smile at me and telling me I will be fine, their was two gay guys in the group, who looked at me with discuss and I can clearly see them judging me (I thought Buddhists) were peaceful/non judgement people, but I guess taking a gay from Soho, does not make them any less than a bitch!

I enjoyed it, I felt welcomed, it was only after we started to leave, my relaxing evening came about converting and becoming a full-time member…. THIS IS NOT WHAT I LIKE!!

I guess my search to find inner piece shall continue!

For All The Money In The World

Someone once asked me what I really wanted.

I said a Ferrari. Then I said what I really wanted was to smile and mean it. To laugh at nothing, and live for a little time without a care in the world.

Then I said I’d better stick with the Ferrari!! I look at people laughing, smiling, and care free and I feel envious and very distant from their world.

I wonder whether I will ever feel that way again. It’s really sad but those people who I watch are beyond the realms of wealthy because such emotions can bot be bought.

From – To + How Life Can Change….

My friend called me today………… He has just been dignosed with HIV……

His tears gave me a pulling feeling inside my chest………

I know my post might offend people suffering from HIV… and I really hope it does not, but I promise you all, I would never go out my way to hurt somebody’s feelings.

This friend, was not just a friend, I have not seen him in over a year…. I guess you could say we was drinking buddies with MAJOR sexual benefits…

I have had a HIV scare myself, and I found it terrifying, even with the msgs saying “Don’t worry, its fine, just take the meds, and you will live a long life” I could only think to myself…. yes Long, but will it be happy?

My friend is question is not on any of my social media profiles, otherwise I would never write this blog…… My feelings turned to anger, when he suggested that we could continue to see each-other… and have BB (no condom) sex together….

When I said are you kidding me….. you should wear a condom……….

His reply was “LOL stop being frigged”

Shouly not wearing protection is the reason he got into this place in the first place right???

(I’m sorry that’s not suppose to offend)

I just think regardless of people with or without HIV, people don’t take their health/life people seriously….

When finding out people don’t go for regular checks, I find it disgusting…. to risk somebody’s life and their idiotic reply “I never knew I had it” just does not work anymore, expecially with the free health checks we get into this country.

I am sad to say I have no value in my life…. I think I am fat and UGLY and worthless yet why am I so afraid and judgmental about people who clearly don’t value theirs ever???

My mind seems to be a ticking BOMB of thoughts………… thoughts that’s scare me!

Today I lost a little more of my  protective bubble………………

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I write this blog as I return home from the East Block Party, In Old Street….

I stood dancing inside the club, with no idea who I was or who I had become…

I see friends happy to be together, and remember I was once one of these people who had no care in the world and was happy within the moment…

Am I just getting Older or have I become lost?

I look at old pictures of when I moved to London and see a different person…. a happy person, maybe not confident, but a person who was happy and somebody strong.

I feel so weak,….. I am afraid but I don’t know what I am afraid off…

I judge people,…… but not to be bitchy….. I don’t know why I judge them…………. 

I feel as if I am in a K hole……….. But I didn’t take any drugs….

Whats wrong with me???

WHY CANT I JUST RELAX AND BE HAPPY?

Why do I care so much for others…….

BUT NOT MYSELF?

Just Saw A Mouse…..

In my bedroom….

I wish I could say I was man enough to Kill the little fucker…

But I screamed like a lil girl till it ran away…

#ONEOFTHOSEMOMENTS